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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480002">A Yellow Dress</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogramagra/pseuds/dogramagra'>dogramagra</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>That was Then This is Now - S. E. Hinton, The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drug Use, Gen, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary M&amp;M Carlson, Overdosing, Period Typical Attitudes, Unhappy Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:55:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480002</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogramagra/pseuds/dogramagra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>M&amp;M Carlson didn’t feel like a boy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Yellow Dress</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>okay so m&amp;m is nonbinary and i use they/them for them in this! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>M&amp;M Carlson didn’t feel like a boy. They were too scared to tell anyone, though. Mostly their father, who doesn’t like their androgyny to begin with. M&amp;M doesn’t want to think about what would happen if they started showing their more feminine side. Cathy was the only person they thought they could trust, but even then, they weren’t sure to what extent she would accept them. </p><p>So they kept it hidden, because they knew that was what they had to do. They didn’t want to make their parents worried about them or anything, and they didn’t know any other kids that felt the same way. They’d never heard of it either, or seen it on TV, even with all the hippie stuff going on. They couldn’t talk about it to anyone, and after a while, they accepted that. </p><p>They still thought about it a lot, though. They thought about what it would be like to to wear a dress, like some of the pretty girls they’d seen. They wanted to wear skirts too, so they could pick a cute top to go with it. Maybe a really bright one, with lots of colors in it. M&amp;M liked things like that, with lots of color—it made them happy. It would be nice, and it would make them feel pretty.</p><p>They thought about what it would be like to paint their nails different colors every week, the way Cathy and her friends did. Sometimes, M&amp;M would help them, and the girls thought it was real nice of them, since they were a boy and all. They weren’t though, and they were enjoying themself, but they never said anything. They couldn’t, really. Cathy’s friends liked M&amp;M, anyway, and M&amp;M didn’t want to ruin that by saying some odd thing to them. </p><p>M&amp;M even thought about what it would be like to be Cathy. They wanted so badly to be able to dress the way she does, to be able to grow their hair as long as hers, to be able to have friends like Cathy’s, to be able to be themself without ridicule. Still, though, something didn’t sit right with them. They wouldn’t want to be like Cathy all the time, wouldn’t want to be feminine all the time. They didn’t want a voice like hers, or curves like hers, or her soft facial features. They still liked some aspects of their masculinity, just not all of it. </p><p>It was confusing, being in-between. Some days, M&amp;M thought they understood it about as much as they imagined their father would. </p><p>One thing they knew they didn’t like was their real name. If they could, they never told anyone, and if they had to, they’d make sure to say they liked to be called M&amp;M instead. Boy, did that get them some weird looks. They didn’t really care much about people thinking they were weird, though, because people thought they were weird anyway. And it was true, for the most part. They were a pretty odd kid.</p><p>They had told Bryon and Mark their real name, but neither one of them seemed to remember it. M&amp;M was happy about that, and even happier they didn’t ask. There were plenty of times Mark or Bryon could have, but they didn’t. M&amp;M didn’t know if it was because they were embarrassed they forgot or if it was because they didn’t really care all that much, but they were glad. They didn’t want them knowing.</p><p>They remembered the first time Bryon had  introduced them as M&amp;M. It made them feel real good, even if it was just because Bryon didn’t know their actual name. They had been hanging out with Bryon for the night, and they were walking back from the drive-in when Bryon saw a guy who M&amp;M guessed was his friend. They talked for a little while, and then they guy seemed to finally notice M&amp;M was there, too.</p><p>“Hey, man, who’s the kid?” </p><p>“Huh? Oh, that’s M&amp;M. He’s my buddy. Real smart,” Bryon said.</p><p>“M&amp;M? Got a real name?”</p><p>M&amp;M didn’t say anything, and Bryon squirmed for a minute before saying, “Might as well be his real name, everyone calls him that, parents and everything.”</p><p>M&amp;M smiled real big, and the guy laughed at them and said, “Sure, kid, why not.”</p><p>Little things like that meant more than you’d think. They thought about that for a while, and how good it had felt to be introduced as M&amp;M. It was funny, in a way, because Bryon had no idea how happy that had made them. It was simple, just a name, but it represented a whole lot more than that. </p><p>It was kind of like their hair. It wasn’t a huge deal, but they didn’t like it being so short. They started growing it out some, not as long as Cathy’s, of course, but longer. Long enough to make them feel a real nice feeling when they looked in the mirror, one they’d like to feel more often. The longest it had ever gotten was down to their chin, but their dad had started making a lot more remarks about it than usual, so M&amp;M trimmed it a little. </p><p>Their dad still wasn’t happy about it, but he let it slide. Most of the time, at least. He sometimes made an occasional comment or two about M&amp;M looking like a girl, which they guessed was supposed to be an insult, but they really didn’t mind. Whenever he would say M&amp;M looked like Cathy, it actually made them feel kind of good. Cathy was beautiful, after all; they didn’t see anything wrong with looking like her. </p><p>With their long hair, people had started saying they looked like a hippie. They didn’t mind that, either. They liked hippies, and how they seemed to love everyone, and their whole peace thing. They felt the same way, and after a while, they got a peace sign necklace and started dressing like a hippie, too. Maybe they were one.</p><p>Their father didn’t like that much at all. He would constantly talk about how stupid they were, hippies. He would talk about how M&amp;M was starting to look like one, and how he didn’t like it, and how if it was up to him, M&amp;M wouldn’t dress that way. He would make sure they heard, too. He would never quit, no matter how much Mom or Cathy would tell him to. It made M&amp;M feel terrible, and some days it made them feel so bad they thought they were going to be sick. </p><p>They started talking to some new people, made some new friends. Those friends would tell them about these houses where all the hippies would stay, where they would just get high and hang around. They said anyone could come and go anytime they wanted, and nobody would really ask any questions. The more M&amp;M heard about it, the more they wanted to go. It sounded so much more appealing than going home, than having to hear their father drone on and on about M&amp;M just existing. </p><p>So, they decided they were going to run away. They couldn’t stand to stay home anymore, and they told Cathy they were leaving, and they left. They weren’t planning on coming back, either, not after they had met some of the people in the house they went to. They were all older than M&amp;M, mostly teenagers and kids that looked like they should be in college, but they were all nice. They liked M&amp;M’s hair, and the way they dressed, and everything about them their father had hated. It felt amazing. </p><p>M&amp;M trusted them all, maybe more than they had ever trusted anyone, so the first time they were offered drugs, they took them, no questions asked. It was just weed, and M&amp;M liked being high. He liked it a lot, so he did it again, and again, and again. Once, when they were high, they let it slip that they didn’t feel like a boy. They were just sitting there, and it came out all of the sudden. </p><p>“Do you ever feel like you’re not a boy? I’m not a boy, I don’t think,” they said. They were talking to some guy named Randy. He didn’t come around a whole lot, but he was always nice when he did. He kept telling M&amp;M that they were too young to be there, though. He kept trying to tell them not to trust everyone here the way they do. He was the only one that said things like that. </p><p>“Can’t say I do,” Randy said. “But sure thing, Baby Freak. If you’re not a boy, then you’re just not, I guess.”</p><p>And that had been that. No overreacting, no telling them they were wrong, no poking fun at them, nothing. The first person they ever told about the way they felt was a guy they barely even knew, and they were high, but it felt nice to be accepted, for once in their life.<br/>
They wished it could be like that all the time, even when they were home. That was, if they ever went home. </p><p>They didn’t think they were going to. It felt so good, being there, being high all the time, being loved by everyone. At least, they thought it was love at the time. They thought that everyone there was so nice, they had to love them. That was the only explanation. M&amp;M believed that for a long while, and it was all good. Everything was good. </p><p>M&amp;M started taking more and more drugs, drugs that they couldn’t even name. They didn’t bother to ask, either, because they didn’t care. It made them forget about their family, about what it was like to be home, about how they felt wrong being a boy somehow. They liked forgetting. So they took more and more and more, and it was all good. </p><p>Everything was good up until the spiders. </p><p>After their overdose, they had to go home. They had to go home, and they had to face their father, and their mother, and Cathy, and all their little siblings. Their father never said anything about their hair or the way they dressed anymore. M&amp;M guessed he felt like it was his fault they ran away, and they never said any different, because it was true. </p><p>M&amp;M finally realized that all those people there didn’t love them. If they loved them, they would have tried to stop them, would never have given them those drugs in the first place. They realized, now, that Randy was right. They shouldn’t have trusted any of those people there the way they did. </p><p>They found themself forgetting all the things they didn’t want to forget. They weren’t as good in school anymore, and they got their little siblings mixed up a lot more than they used too. Sometimes, it was hard to talk—they would forget simple words, or they would stutter too much to get anything out. </p><p>They forgot what was so bad about wearing dresses, one day. Or, well, it was less like they forgot and more like they weren’t considering what would happen if they were caught. They weren’t so good at critical thinking, these days. They went into Cathy’s room and took one of her bright yellow dresses out of the closet, and they put it on. </p><p>It made them feel amazing, and they stared at themself in the mirror for a good while. They did a little twirl and imagined what it would be like to be able to wear things like that every day. M&amp;M was really starting to feel good, but it was short-lived, because Cathy opened the door. She reacted pretty much how they thought she would. </p><p>“God, M&amp;M what are you doing?” She sounded frantic, and she closed the door as quickly as she could. “What if Dad came in here, M&amp;M, why didn’t you lock the door?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” they said. “I thought I did, I, I forgot, Cathy. Been forgettin’ a lot, lately.”</p><p>“It’s fine, M&amp;M, it’s okay, just get out of that, before Dad comes in here, okay?” M&amp;M was a little surprised that she sounded more concerned about their safety and not what they were actually doing. He got out of it.</p><p>Cathy didn’t say anything for a while after that, and neither did M&amp;M. They both just sat there, in silence. It was a long, long while before Cathy finally did something. At first, there were no words, but she turned and hugged M&amp;M. She squeezed them real hard, so hard M&amp;M almost couldn’t breathe. After about a minute, she loosened her grip a little bit, and whispered in their ear, “Be careful, M&amp;M, okay? For me, please, be careful.”</p><p>“Okay,” they said. It was the only thing they could say. </p><p>M&amp;M cut all their hair off after that. It was as a reminder, so they didn’t forget. They didn’t want to forget again, that it was bad to not feel like a boy, that they might get caught by their father. They hated to look in the mirror after that, but it was what they had to do. It was the only way they could stay safe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ty for reading!! i hope you liked it :) kudos &amp; comments are appreciated!!</p><p>also older m&amp;m moves out grows their hair out as long as cathy’s and wears as many dresses as they want and like becomes a fashion designer or something i dunno but they don’t end up sad</p></blockquote></div></div>
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